We’ll see how this goes, but I’d like to occasionally post in this manner to let you know what I’ve been doing.

Just before Halloween, I spit back at violent video game legislation for Technologizer. This piece could use an addendum with today’s news of a supposed link between violent gaming and long-term aggression in children. I haven’t read the study itself, but the CNN article doesn’t say whether the findings indicate a problem that’s worse in games than in other media. The study’s author, Craig Anderson, has made a name for himself in this line of work, and has made that assertion before. Still, a talking head in CNN’s article (Anderson’s input is notably missing) says that desensitization and imitation by “children who watch violence” are the main issues here. That could well apply to other, less-persecuted mediums as well.

I tried my hand at writing for The Game Reviews, where I mostly function as an editor. With a feature article that involves World of Goo creator Kyle Gabler in the works, I wasn’t sure whether a review of the game would be prudent. In the end I found it too difficult to restrain my enthusiasm. See my glowing praise for yourself.

Finally, this is older, but worth mentioning. Someone paid me to write a semi-humorous article about The 5 Worst Mega Man Weapons of All Time. What a blast.

Newman, Indies, Humour, Violence | 2 Comments »

As evidenced here. ABC’s Good Morning America gets their hands on Wii Music.

No really, you have to look. It’s like a car wreck.

Humour, Media | No Comments »

Research for one of my obscure freelance gigs uncovered a most amusing document from the forums of Board Game Geek, worth sharing even though it’s two years old.

“A Treatise On Dice Rolling” examines the many ways one might approach the die, but not in the sense of putting English on the stones to achieve some desired numbers. That’s a shameful practice, ben_ethus says, compared to the ritual surrounding the actual throw. “Obviously, since you are the one in control of rolling the dice, you are in direct control of your own fate,” he writes. “The strategy lies not in how you apply the dice roll, but in how you roll the dice themselves.” (emphasis his)

He begins with some basic styles, such as the “Apathetic Dominant (Righty/Lefty)”:

Method: Pick up the dice with your dominant hand, give them a shake, and roll them on the table.

Commentary: This is the most unimaginative method in which to roll dice. If you generally employ this method, this shows either 1) your lack of enthusiasm for the game, 2) your lack of enthusiasm for life in general, or 3) that you are a lazy sod who just doesn’t care. In any case, there’s only one word to describe you: Apathetic.

Results: Your dice results will typically reflect your nonchalance and effete attitude. You’ll deserve whatever poor results you receive.

Moving on to more advanced styles, such as the “Swaying Monkey”:

Method: Hold the dice in your non-dominant hand, shake the dice in your hand while leaning side to side, focus your mind on the internal conflict between the desires of your human nature and the bare necessities required for the sustainment of your physical body. Upon achieving a complete understanding of self, release the dice upon the table.

Commentary: As noted above, this is an extremely difficult maneuver. Maintaining the concentration needed to acheive the complete understanding of self can come only with lots and lots of practice. I am not a big fan of this method.

Results: Great dice rolls can result, but only if you put in the time necessary to hone your mental capacities.

Followed by a couple sacred techniques, such as the “Cocky Chipmunk”:

Method: [CLASSIFIED]

Commentary: The Holy Grail of strategic dice rolling. The most difficult technique to master. At this moment, there are only two teachers rumored to exist, both in far-flung regions of the globe.

Results: Perfect dice rolls upon graceful, brilliant execution. Misery, otherwise.

You’ve got to appreciate the random pockets of the Internet.

“Also, when playing craps (or other dice games) in Las Vegas casinos, it is not advised to attempt the more advanced techniques as most of the popular casinos have banned them from use,” ben_ethus concludes. “Attempt at your own peril. I, for one, am rather fond of my kneecaps, thank you very much.”

Humour | No Comments »

Whether or not it’s deserved, mainstream media outlets often get a bad rap for their coverage of video games. They’re behind the curve, they’re unfair, sensationalist, they’ve got nothing nice to say, they are not teh hardc0rez — you’ve heard it all. But even in the worst cases, “real” journalists are never under the microscope for bad writing. Until now.

Below, courtesy of the North Florida News Daily’s Web site and its tragically regular “Gamer” section, is a lesson on how not to write a story about video games, or anything else for that matter. No joke, this the lede:

Parties! What a way to get all your friends together and hang out. However, what can you do? Well, I guess you could play pin the tail on the donkey. But, I don’t think that will impress anyone.

I dunno, I always thought the lede was your chance to tell a little story, to give the reader a taste of what’s to come in the form of an anecdote. But who knows? Maybe there’s room in the formula for just randomly yelling the first word that comes to mind. I won’t give the guy a hard time for the pin the tail on the donkey reference, because it gets much, much worse.

For starters, don’t suggest party games that aren’t out yet. You’re obviously writing to a crowd that hasn’t heard of any of this stuff — or it seems like it, at least — so I doubt they’re going to be marking their calendars, writhing in anticipation of Scene It! Box Office Smash and You’re In The Movies just because you said so. Also, lose that strange habit of repeating unimaginative sentences. Telling the reader that Super Smash Bros. “will keep you and your friends entertained,” and then saying the same thing, word for word, about Halo is like insisting over and over that “sandwiches are good.” Of course, this caliber of writing invites the usual gang of typos. Unique phrases such as “strait up brawls” and “With it’s different difficulty settings” come to mind.

None of those petty nitpicks, however, compare to the kicker. Oh dear God, the kicker:

“So you see Gamer’s [sic] have the tools to throw some kick rump parties,” David Worthington writes. “Now all we have to do is work on our social skills. Asking someone if they” — wait for it — “could get the loob [sic] for the rape that they just got online might not work in the social scene.”

Now, there is something undeniably hardc0rez about referencing the asshole online gamer contingent, but jeez, man. Inappropriate. Previously, I’ve written about how the Man on the Street is bringing all the gamers down. Is the Gamer in the Newsroom killing us, too?

Humour, Media, Rants, Teh Hardcorez | 1 Comment »

So as I’m careening through the Internet, looking for video game mp3s with which to load up my new iPod(!), I also re-stumbled upon a favorite site of mine that I’d like to share with you.

It’s called “Hardcore Gaming 101,” and it is at once mysterious and gratifying. In plain white and yellow letters against a black backdrop, the site offers historical information and reviews on a random and often obscure collection of games, many from generations past. You won’t find Metroid here, but you’ll read about Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker. There’s no Zelda, but there is Xevious. The most mainstream game on the site is probably Metal Slug.

Each page is littered with comparison screenshots between the arcade and console versions of the games, as well as their sequels and evolutions. If you’re lucky, you might even get to download a midi or mp3 file from the original soundtracks (OSTs, as they say).

But my favorite nook of the site, tucked away in a corner called “Cranky Gamers,” has always been the review of Animal Crossing. I’ve read it probably a half dozen times and it never gets old. Snip:

Animal Crossing is a philosophy. It’s preaching that life is nothing but a bunch of work for pointless trinkets, just so you can survive and interact with other people, all of whom are frauds anyway who don’t give a damn about what you say. And it doesn’t end until you decide to stop playing. Sticking it on the shelf is putting yourself in a coma - deleting your memory card with all of your saved village data is analogous to slitting your wrists. And Nintendo has the balls to gloss this depressing little world in smiling faces and happy little penguins and porcupines, all blissfully unaware of their empty lives.

Presumably the motivation behind Hardcore Gaming 101 is to school you on just that topic, but I’m fascinated how the site manages to say off the radar. Sure various sites link to it from time to time, but I’ve never heard of it getting any real props, which in my opinion are well-deserved.

Theory, Humour, Media | No Comments »

Today, I’m putting away my Gamecube, and that’s a really sucky thing to do. I had previously left the Cube in my half bedroom/gamer pit along with the 360, and had placed the Wii out in the communal TV room, but with several single-player games to tend to, the Wii and I need a little more alone time. There’s only room for 2 consoles in this room, so my beloved indigo box must go.

I know I’m not the first to lament a dependable console replaced by a newer, backwards compatible one, but I figure this small eulogy is due. That said, I’d like to share a story with which those who know me are already familiar.

–

Back in college, I had lit some incense in my room, atop my TV, prior to one of our house parties, and had stupidly left it unattended. Dumber still, my reluctance to buy a proper stand for such occasions meant I was relying on a junk piece of styrofoam to hold up this flaming scent stick. It had never been a problem before, but you can imagine what happened.

My housemate’s then-girlfriend tapped me on the shoulder and told me the smoke alarm was going off upstars. I bounded up to my room to find the air saturated with thick black smoke, the alarm screaming in dismay, the smell of burnt plastic overwhelming. I sensed a couple people behind me, but they retreated when they saw the source of the problem: My TV, and my Gamecube below it, were on fire.

It’s hard to say what went through my head at that moment, but something compelled me to attack the problem the same way I would handle a birthday cake. With a series of quick puffs, I (miraculously?) extinguished the flames. The fire burned a hole in the TV straight through to its inner workings, and the right front side of my Cube seemed completely melted; the Animal Crossing memory card in the second slot was dripping plastic.

Sitting on the floor of my room, a black haze around me, I then did what any other gamer would do: I flicked on the Cube’s power and turned on the TV. I have never been so happy to see Samus Aran. Later on, after some serious filing and cutting of molten plastic, every input and card slot on the console was in full working order. I’ve retold this story several times for those who inquired about my Burnt Cube, and no one has ever assumed that the fourth controller and second memory slot are functional.

Obviously, there’s no chance of selling this Gamecube, and I can’t really give it away without forfeiting my games, controllers and memory cards, so it’s just going to sit in the closet, but it won’t be forgotten. If the Wii ever breaks down — and who knows, certainly the early wrist straps didn’t cut the mustard — I know my Cube will be ready for action. In an age of Red Rings of Death, of recalls and re-releases, of patches and updates, of extra costs for warrantees that are honored all too often, that’s all a gamer can really ask for.

Newman, Wii, Humour | No Comments »

I filed my first story on video games for the Wilton Villager this week, a short one about two local kids who got knocked to the floor while playing Guitar Hero II during a huge thunderstorm. To quote myself:

Ben and Chris Bergin, ages 19 and 14, respectively, were jamming to “Message in a Bottle” by the Police on their guitar controllers when a bolt of lighting touched down near the house, and the charge found its way into the house’s wiring.

“I actually looked over at my brother because I thought he hit me in the chest with something,” Chris Bergin said.

Fortunately, no one was hurt, but the controllers are done for.

UPDATE: Got this story linked on Kotaku.

Newman, Humour, Media | No Comments »

…but this was worth linking.

Politics, Humour | 1 Comment »