Whether or not it’s deserved, mainstream media outlets often get a bad rap for their coverage of video games. They’re behind the curve, they’re unfair, sensationalist, they’ve got nothing nice to say, they are not teh hardc0rez — you’ve heard it all. But even in the worst cases, “real” journalists are never under the microscope for bad writing. Until now.

Below, courtesy of the North Florida News Daily’s Web site and its tragically regular “Gamer” section, is a lesson on how not to write a story about video games, or anything else for that matter. No joke, this the lede:

Parties! What a way to get all your friends together and hang out. However, what can you do? Well, I guess you could play pin the tail on the donkey. But, I don’t think that will impress anyone.

I dunno, I always thought the lede was your chance to tell a little story, to give the reader a taste of what’s to come in the form of an anecdote. But who knows? Maybe there’s room in the formula for just randomly yelling the first word that comes to mind. I won’t give the guy a hard time for the pin the tail on the donkey reference, because it gets much, much worse.

For starters, don’t suggest party games that aren’t out yet. You’re obviously writing to a crowd that hasn’t heard of any of this stuff — or it seems like it, at least — so I doubt they’re going to be marking their calendars, writhing in anticipation of Scene It! Box Office Smash and You’re In The Movies just because you said so. Also, lose that strange habit of repeating unimaginative sentences. Telling the reader that Super Smash Bros. “will keep you and your friends entertained,” and then saying the same thing, word for word, about Halo is like insisting over and over that “sandwiches are good.” Of course, this caliber of writing invites the usual gang of typos. Unique phrases such as “strait up brawls” and “With it’s different difficulty settings” come to mind.

None of those petty nitpicks, however, compare to the kicker. Oh dear God, the kicker:

“So you see Gamer’s [sic] have the tools to throw some kick rump parties,” David Worthington writes. “Now all we have to do is work on our social skills. Asking someone if they” — wait for it — “could get the loob [sic] for the rape that they just got online might not work in the social scene.”

Now, there is something undeniably hardc0rez about referencing the asshole online gamer contingent, but jeez, man. Inappropriate. Previously, I’ve written about how the Man on the Street is bringing all the gamers down. Is the Gamer in the Newsroom killing us, too?

Humour, Media, Rants, Teh Hardcorez | 1 Comment »

At this point, this series could use a re-introduction. As my journalism work (currently) does not require me to play and review the latest games in a timely manner, I’m often in catch-up mode, writing about a game weeks, months or even years after their release. In a way, this provides some distance from writing actual reviews and allows me to focus more on critiques. In Late To The Party, you’ll rarely find me listing pros and cons. Instead I’ll look at particular aspects of a game and explain why they’re interesting — to me at least.

Straight to the point, Ninja Gaiden II is a Gamer’s Game, and slashing through it made me realize how long it’s been since I last played one. It’s got action, decapitation, linear levels with steady learning curves, a throwaway plot, terrible dialogue, scary bosses and objectified women, I spend a lot of time thinking about how repetitive and dull that stuff gets, but I sort of forgot that, when applied correctly, it’s still a lot of fun.

Before I go on, please know that I hated this game’s prequel. I bought a used copy, spent an afternoon with it and brought it back to Gamestop to take advantage of their “exchange it within seven days” policy. Mostly, this was because of one pet peeve that obviously bothers no one else: Ninja Gaiden combined Saves and Lives — two standard respawn mechanisms that, when combined, break the whole system. It forces the player to leave his state of immersion and wonder “Should I quit the game and load the last save point, or sacrifice a precious Life?” This happened to me in the second level. I had no idea whether to keep expending Lives to challenge the boss or load an earlier save point and try to preserve my stock. After going back and forth a half dozen times, my brain self-destructed and I decided Splinter Cell would be a better choice for my money.

Needless to say, I was not expecting much when I opened the Gamefly envelope this time around. But Ninja Gaiden II has a way of coaxing you into its world. The bands of ninjas that surround you at every pass are easy enough at first; with enough button mashing, you can sever all of their heads (and most of their limbs) and emerging from battle with only a scratch or two. After a couple levels, the enemies get bigger, slimier, more plentiful. It’s no longer sufficient to simply tap the “Strong Attack” button repeatedly. Slowly, the game forces you to change your methods and play with different techniques. As with the last game, you’re still stringing together combos, but the attacks have a natural flow to them, which takes some of the emphasis off memorization — another pet peeve of mine.

Hand-eye coordination is placed on a pedestal in Ninja Gaiden II. There are no puzzles to solve, and the storyline — some people released some demons — is negligible. The payoff for surmounting each challenge is implicit; it’s not so much “now I get to see what happens,” as it is “wow, I defeated all those bad guys.”

I’m into Chapter 5 now, so we’ll see how my interest in the game evolves. These balls-to-the-wall action games, however fun, tend to wear on me slightly past the half way point. I know, that’s another subject entirely, so we’ll save it for another day. For now, chef recommends!

Xbox 360, Violence, Late to the Party, Teh Hardcorez | No Comments »

After stuffing ourselves last night with various skewered meat offerings at Oh! Taisho in the East VIllage, some friends and I went to Chinatown Fair, a NYC arcade that is apparently world famous according to the deep annals of Internet video game forums.

YouTube’s got a pretty good walkthrough of the place, conveying just how hardc0rez it is. Most of the games are head to head tournament fighters, many of them obscure even to mainstream gamers. There are endless variations of Street Fighter, Tekken and the “Marvel Vs…” and “Capcom Vs…” series. For good measure, Chinatown Fair includes some old classics like Pac-Man and Galaga and some new ones like Dance Dance Revolution, but the focus, especially by the clientele, is on fast-paced, combo-driven combat.

We went at about 1 a.m., and there were probably a couple dozen people there. Despite the ferocity of the competition, Chinatown Fair doesn’t feel too intimidating to outsiders. There were plenty of machines to jump on, with the exception of a few favorites, where joining in as a newbie would constitute a waste of a token. Two guys had set up folding chairs in front of Tekken 4: Dark Resurrection and were playing with Playstation controllers that they brought and plugged into the machine. I mostly jumped around, trying out the fun but expensive Time Crisis 4 ($1.50 per game), some of the fighters, a scrolling shooter called Giga Wing that I liked and of course a few rounds of Metal Slug.

I only had two interactions with the regular crowd, and both occasions resulted in my ass being surgically removed, cooked and placed before me in short order. I was trying a game called The Rumble Fish 2 and faring pretty well against the computer when a guy entered the arcade, popped a quarter into the machine and nonchalantly beat the snot out of me while talking to his friends (to be fair, he basically gave me round 2 after I told him I’d never played the game before). The second time, I imposed on a game of Super Street Fighter II Turbo and got sliced up by Vega. It wasn’t close, but it felt like a more legitimate loss, because unlike most fighting games, there’s no emphasis on memorizing 12-button combos.

It was a good time, but I’ll probably return to Barcade before I go back to CTF for another whooping.

Cabinet, Teh Hardcorez | No Comments »