Yes, yes, I joined the Twitter trend, way late. Check out my page. At least I bought a netbook before everyone and their mother started doing it.

Though I can’t resist the occasional snarky remark, I’m trying to do some fun stuff there, like 140-character game reviews and the return of Random Game Idea in bite-size form.

In other news, it came to my attention that a cadre of real estate Web sites were using my blog as a sort of SEO backdoor. I don’t know how they did it, but after a little snooping I found a directory full of bogus blogs, hosted on my domain name, in my /blog directory. Now that they’re all vanquished, we’ll see how my traffic figures plummet. For good measure I changed my FTP password. You can’t game the gamer, pal!

Newman, Random Game Idea | 2 Comments »

Solitaire Addict functions in similar fashion to Windows Solitaire. The rules are the same, and the Vegas scoring method that makes the game such a time-waster are intact. There are, however, a few sinister differences.

Unbeknownst to the player, the initial set up of cards becomes more or less friendly depending on his or her current score. This allows the player to feel the high highs of success, the low lows of a negative score and the thrill of a key win just as the losses seem insurmountable.

Meanwhile, messages begin to pop up behind the game screen. They start off innocent enough — a generic friend inviting you out for a drink, a reminder from your bank that your online statement is available — but gradually become more serious as you ignore them. With any luck, the player will “get the joke,” but continue to play anyway, fueled by the game’s addictive nature. Before long, your employers want to know why you haven’t come in to work. Your bills have piled up. Your girlfriend wants to take a break.

Of course, the only way to win the game is to quit. If you open the program again, you’ll find an option to uninstall it completely. A message of congratulations accompanies this bold step. That is, if you can bring yourself to take it.

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I suppose it was only a matter of time.

But for the record, here’s how I called it last April.

Random Game Idea, Wii | No Comments »

No, it’s not potty humor; it’s a variation on Craps, the popular casino game. I know, it’s not necessarily a video game, but it could be formatted as such, especially since most people don’t have the felt table, the stick or even a solid set of dice. This game will test whether drunken belligerence is more favorable than bankruptcy.

In Drinking Craps, one player is the “House,” and the remaining players are casino patrons. Each betting unit equals one drink, and chip increments are one, two and five. A successful bet by a player means drinks for the House. A failed bet means drinks for the player.

For example, if the point is six, and the player has one chip on the line and two chips as a backup bet, a successful point means three drinks for the House. If the point fails, however, that player takes three drinks, and the position of “House” rotates around the table.

The House may place side bets on the table, assigning drinks to other people upon favorable outcomes. Additionally, casino patrons may play the Don’t Pass line. In this case, all of their bets are with the house, and drinks from successful bets are assigned to other players. However, players on the Don’t Pass line do not drink on other players’ side bets, such as the Come, the Field and individual numbers.

All the other standard rules of Craps apply.

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Iron Chef, The Video Game. I can’t take credit for that idea, as I know many people have wished for something similar. But on a restless Saturday morning I did have a brainstorm on how it would work.

There would be hundreds of ingredients, each with its own rating in a set of criteria. The following examples are rated on a scale of 1-10:

Sweetness
Saltiness
Bitterness
Juiciness
Firmness
Uniqueness (how unusual the flavor)
Filling (how substantial an ingredient is)
Flexibility (can the ingredient be cooked in many ways?)

The following criteria have special parameters:

Cooking range (how appropriate is rare or well-done)
Type (a checklist of ideal functions such as spice, marinade, main ingredient or garnish)
Components (for items that can be divided into parts, such as chicken wings or legs)

Most of these parameters can be modified depending on cooking methods. For example, boiling a potato will greatly reduce its firmness. Cooking onions for a long time will cause them to caramelize and sweeten.

After ingredients are cooked and combined, an algorithm would calculate an overall criteria score. How the dish scores in competition depends partly on the logic of these scores, but also on the preferences of the judges. In practice modes, only the criteria scores would be revealed. Competition is the only way to determine the true success of a dish.

Competition would work as a hybrid between different Iron Chef formats. As in the early days of the series, chefs compete in preliminary rounds for the chance to face an Iron Chef. With enough wins, they earn Iron Chef status, and must compete in a grand tournament. Exhibition play would be similar to the American version, where the player challenges one of several Iron Chefs for only a small taste of glory.

As for actual gameplay, I’m hesitant to prescribe a Cooking Mama control scheme, because I think it would take away from some of the more important responsibilities of the chef. We don’t want the player to have to learn how to prepare ingredients, because presumably the chef already knows how. Instead, the player simply has to monitor all of the dishes, assign tasks for his/herself as well as the sous-chefs, make game time decisions and handle presentation. Point and click on either the PC or Wii would be best. On the other hand, it may be pleasurable to step in and do some of the actual cooking. I guess I’m undecided.

In the end, the real pleasure would come from creating dishes from nearly endless possibilities. If you want to make strawberry nachos with caviar, it’s up to you. And with the proper preparation and care, you could make it work. At least you’d score highly for uniqueness.

Of course, if an Iron Chef game were actually to be released, it would probably be a quick cash-in produced on the cheap.

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You are a puddle of slime that has been given life in a laboratory, and now you want to get out and see the world.

The slime has no special abilities other than to slide around and use its gooey mass to manipulate nearby objects. First, you have to escape the test tube by rocking yourself back and forth until the momentum causes you to tip over and spill out. Now you can either gum up the nearby computer and spark an electrical fire, thereby activating the sprinklers and sending you through the drainage pipes, or you can simply slide off the table and slip under a crack in the door.

From here, your options branch even further. Traveling through the pipes lets you warp to different parts of the building, while moving through the hallways of the office requires a bit of stealth. If you’re spotted, you’ll be swiped up by the janitor and have to find your way out of one of the building’s many trash repositiories. Otherwise, you can try to hitch a ride by sticking underneath someone’s shoe, effective for getting across the gap in the elevator door or for gaining access to new rooms.

Each room will present a different opportunity for moving around. For example, you might append yourself to a memo and get sent to accounting, where you can gather a pen and sign off on various equipment shipments that are blocking your path. Or, you may be able to sneak into a syringe and get yourself injected into someone, only to be passed on in a nearby bathroom (another way of entering the pipe system).

Of course, there will have to be some side objectives to keep you from leaving as soon as possible. Perhaps there are some fellow slimes to animate, or some lab technicians to play pranks on. And there’d have to be plenty of minigame opportunities, such as a variation on connect-the-dots when shorting out that first computer.

What would one title such a game? I’m sticking with “Slime in a Laboratory.”

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