Research for one of my obscure freelance gigs uncovered a most amusing document from the forums of Board Game Geek, worth sharing even though it’s two years old.

“A Treatise On Dice Rolling” examines the many ways one might approach the die, but not in the sense of putting English on the stones to achieve some desired numbers. That’s a shameful practice, ben_ethus says, compared to the ritual surrounding the actual throw. “Obviously, since you are the one in control of rolling the dice, you are in direct control of your own fate,” he writes. “The strategy lies not in how you apply the dice roll, but in how you roll the dice themselves.” (emphasis his)

He begins with some basic styles, such as the “Apathetic Dominant (Righty/Lefty)”:

Method: Pick up the dice with your dominant hand, give them a shake, and roll them on the table.

Commentary: This is the most unimaginative method in which to roll dice. If you generally employ this method, this shows either 1) your lack of enthusiasm for the game, 2) your lack of enthusiasm for life in general, or 3) that you are a lazy sod who just doesn’t care. In any case, there’s only one word to describe you: Apathetic.

Results: Your dice results will typically reflect your nonchalance and effete attitude. You’ll deserve whatever poor results you receive.

Moving on to more advanced styles, such as the “Swaying Monkey”:

Method: Hold the dice in your non-dominant hand, shake the dice in your hand while leaning side to side, focus your mind on the internal conflict between the desires of your human nature and the bare necessities required for the sustainment of your physical body. Upon achieving a complete understanding of self, release the dice upon the table.

Commentary: As noted above, this is an extremely difficult maneuver. Maintaining the concentration needed to acheive the complete understanding of self can come only with lots and lots of practice. I am not a big fan of this method.

Results: Great dice rolls can result, but only if you put in the time necessary to hone your mental capacities.

Followed by a couple sacred techniques, such as the “Cocky Chipmunk”:

Method: [CLASSIFIED]

Commentary: The Holy Grail of strategic dice rolling. The most difficult technique to master. At this moment, there are only two teachers rumored to exist, both in far-flung regions of the globe.

Results: Perfect dice rolls upon graceful, brilliant execution. Misery, otherwise.

You’ve got to appreciate the random pockets of the Internet.

“Also, when playing craps (or other dice games) in Las Vegas casinos, it is not advised to attempt the more advanced techniques as most of the popular casinos have banned them from use,” ben_ethus concludes. “Attempt at your own peril. I, for one, am rather fond of my kneecaps, thank you very much.”

Humour | No Comments »

This isn’t usually the place for circulating news; it’s rather more of a freewheeling, bile-spitting type of joint. But word should be spread that Jack Thompson, the self-appointed crusader against violent video games (particularly when they’re marketed or sold to minors), was disbarred today by the Supreme Court of Florida.

I’m too tired to rehash or ruminate. GamePolitics has a digestible summary of the decision, plus the full text if you care to download it. Kotaku has a lengthy response from Thompson, who’s as clever a spin doctor as anyone and plans to go down swinging.

Politics | No Comments »

Let me say straight out that I gave this game 45 minutes of my time.

Eternal Sonata, supposedly, is about the last living hours real-life composer Frederic Chopin, and the dream world he creates while dying of tuberculosis. While the premise is interesting — and I’ll probably have to atone for this one later — if this is what Chopin was dreaming, I can see why he ultimately let go.

The dialogue in this game is horrid. I can deal with squeaky anime voices — of which the game delivers heaping mouthfuls — and we’ve all waded through our fair share of banal, redundant or overly ornamental dialogue. (”It would be even better if that means he’s headed towards recovery. A full recovery,” one character says, articulating her thoughts.) The last straw, however, was the way each line of dialogue is followed by an unnatural pause of roughly one second. Maybe it’s a commentary on rhythm, or maybe it’s because of some loading glitch, or perhaps the developers just don’t think we can follow an actual conversation. Whatever the case, it’s a distraction, made worse when you’re still trying to figure out what’s going on.

Normally, I’d see a game through beyond these issues. The turn-based combat system and the colorful graphics seem to hint at decent game hiding back there, but the story of Eternal Sonata was what really caught my eye. Unfortunately, there’s no way it can be rewarding if all I want to do is make it stop.

If fans of the game are reading this, you’ve got 15 hours to change my mind (before the mailman comes). Otherwise, back to Gamefly it goes!

Rants, Late to the Party | No Comments »

Dipping into the game journalism swamp again is me, and I know it’s probably a little grating by now, coming from an outsider looking in. But I did want to pass along this diary-like post at Lungfishopolis, which is at once maddening, sobering and interesting. In a three-part series entitled “Confessions of a Games Journalist,” Brandon Cackowski-Schnell explores his soul after venturing out to his first-ever press junket. Assigned to preview Saints Row 2, Cackowski-Schnell flew to Las Vegas, stayed in the Four Seasons hotel and enjoyed expensive steak and wine on THQ’s dime. He then camped out in his hotel room the following day to give the game a thorough play-through.

They dropped the 360 HD off in the room around 10:30 and I started to play the game. At this point, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to have happen. On the one hand, if the game was bad, I could prove to myself that these people could buy me all the steak in the world and it wouldn’t prevent me from writing my honest opinion. On the other hand, the guy I had just spent the last evening talking to was very nice and this game represented his and his team’s life for the past two years. Why would I want it to fail? This was exactly the problem I was worried about. My responsibility to the reader has to win out every time, but if the game sucked, what would I do at that evening’s co-op event? Smile politely, say something nice about it and then trash it in the preview? Be honest but make everything awkward? The mind reeled.

Cackowski-Schnell casts his fears aside when he finds the game to be good, but let’s not lose sight of the conflict. A lot of smaller publications, in this case GameShark, don’t object to these kinds of junkets because they are the only chance to preview a game. Cackowski-Schnell hints that his pay is paltry, so it’s unlikely that the publication will then cover his airfare, food and lodging just to save a little editorial integrity. Journalists in this case are forced to convince themselves that the $1,000 meals and fancy lodgings won’t get to them. But alas, publications have ethics codes for a reason. There’s always a chance of subconscious leaning, and perhaps some writers do feel a sense of obligation to the generous publishers.

But just as important, the game gets press — supposedly unbiased editorial content — out of the deal. Saints Row is a decent series that made its name through striking similarities to Grand Theft Auto. It has to be good, or else it’s a shameless knockoff. It’s not a question of whether the previewers will find fault with the game, it’s a matter of them coming back to their laptops to write mostly positive copy. That’s far more valuable than advertising, and the smaller game journalism sites get caught up in the grind.

Editors can (and should) reject these offerings, but then you’re losing coverage. It’s a slightly tamer version of the dilemma behind “exclusive” reviews — detailed, of course, at the Sore Thumbs blog — where magazines get to review the game first, but only if the score is positive. It’s hard to suggest a solution as a newcomer, but I’d like to see the focus of game journalism shift away from previews and hype, with more focus on the culture of play and the people who create our games.

Media | 7 Comments »

Even before the dreaded September - Christmas AAA Video Game Rush, my gaming has picked up to a steady clip. Here’s where I’m at:

In:

Snatcher (Sega CD) - Big Tip of The Hat to Chris at The Artful Gamer for steering me towards this one. In this post-apocalyptic adventure game, you’re an investigator trying to root out Snatchers — a group of robots, origin unknown, who murder people and take over their host bodies. Added Bonus: early indications of Hideo Kojima as an auteur, in a game that isn’t Metal Gear. I’ll have more on this later.

Contra 4 (Nintendo DS) - My girlfriend recently bought me a Nintendo DS for my birthday (which fell in January), and I’ve been making decent use of it. Contra 4 is unashamedly derivative, right down to near zen-like timing and patience required to surmount even the first level. That the instruction manual and menu play up and celebrate the retro, balls-to-the-wall action, apparently in service of Contra’s 20-year anniversary, only adds to the giddy fun of slaughtering wave after wave of aliens.

Out:

Cave Story (PC, free download) - It’s been called a “work of art” by Radiohead’s Jonny Greenwood, but really it’s just a solid, fun platform game delicately woven into a nice plot. There’s no advancing of the medium here, just a faithful take on a time-honored genre, truly pleasurable from start to finish.

Ninja Gaiden II (Xbox 360) - I may add some more complete thoughts now that I’ve (finally) felled the final boss, but for now I’m just happy it’s over. Life is hard on the lonely island of “20-Hour Games Are Too Damn Long.”

On The Way:

Two empty slots on my Gamefly account and three games in my queue. Tempting the fates with Eternal Sonata, Elebits and Dead Rising. Which lucky ones will arrive in my mailbox? We report, you decide. Rock the Vote. Save the Whales. See you tomorrow.

Gamefly, Games as Art, Playlists, Free games | No Comments »

In light of my switch to full-time freelancing, I’ve decided to give advertising a shot on this blog, knowing full well that I’m likely to make a pittance, if anything. That’s why, at the very least, the Amazon links you’ll find on the sidebar serve as more of a statement than a money grab.

I’ve recommended several products for you to purchase, but none of them are video games. Crispy Gamer was my inspiration, as they make a point of not accepting advertisements from game publishers. One need only read about the horrid mix of advertising and journalism plaguing this industry to understand why CG deserves praise.

Granted, I’m not getting any pressure from the games industry. No publisher has ever approached me regarding advertising. But I don’t want to fall into the trap of writing about a product in hopes of making money when you buy it. Would my critique of Ninja Gaiden II be a little more glowing if its Amazon page was linked in my sidebar? Probably not, but it’s a temptation, and a perception, that I’d like to avoid.

So instead, I’ve recommended products in other mediums. I’m no “omnivorous mediaphile,” as Chris Baker once put it, but I still think video games are best swallowed alongside some good music, movies and books. If you want to support me, check out some of those products. There’s a search bar if you want to buy something else, such as a video game, but I don’t want to hear about it. ;)

/highhorse

UPDATE: I have also started offering ad space directly to advertisers. Same rules apply. Please e-mail newmanJB at gmail dot com for rates and other information.

Newman | 1 Comment »

I got a curious e-mail this morning from a representative of CBS Evening News with Katie Couric. Starting tonight, the program will air a three-part series entitled “The Games Our Children Play.” Apparently she saw my previous post and thought I’d make a good conduit for this information. (Little does she know about my flaccid readership numbers, bwa ha ha!)

Anyway, it seems that reporter Daniel Sieberg tried to tackle the subject without the usual “video games will eat your children and kill us all” bent, so my interest was piqued. Here’s how the rep described tonight’s story:

IMPACT ON KIDS: Like it or not, 97% of teenagers play videogames. A Pew Study that will be released on Tuesday shows there’s real value in them. It’s not just entertaining shoot-’em-up. The report finds “Indeed, youth have many experiences playing games that mirror aspects of civic and political life, such as thinking about moral and ethical issues and making decisions about city and/or community affairs.” Daniel Sieberg will introduce you to a mom who sees this firsthand and encourages her son to invite his friends to come play videogames at her house - despite what other moms in the neighborhood think.

Tomorrow, Joe Perry (the oft-idolized Aerosmith guitarist) will talk about Rock Band 2 and how it helped forge a bond with his son, and on Thursday there’s a story on Spore. I know, a lot of this stuff falls into the “behind the curve” category that I mentioned last night, but you’ve got to at least give them a tip of the hat for trying. It almost sounds like there’s an olive branch being extended here, either with the gaming press or with the games industry. The rep promised to send clips of the show after it airs, so you may get a chance to look at the report even if the evening news time slot doesn’t fit your schedule.

Righteous pontificator that I am, I didn’t miss the opportunity to send the rep some thoughts of my own. First, I suggested she check out What They Play and Gaming With Children, both valuable resources for parents who want to make informed decisions about their kids’ gaming. Then, this:

“Presumably, it’s good to see a series that isn’t simply a scare piece on video game violence,” I wrote. “Though I’m often uncomfortable with the ‘what are our children playing’ angle (most gamers are well beyond adolescence, myself included), I understand this is partly a product of having an older target audience. Beware, though — as the core gaming audience gets older, your viewers could certainly become gamers before long.”

Newman, Media | No Comments »

Whether or not it’s deserved, mainstream media outlets often get a bad rap for their coverage of video games. They’re behind the curve, they’re unfair, sensationalist, they’ve got nothing nice to say, they are not teh hardc0rez — you’ve heard it all. But even in the worst cases, “real” journalists are never under the microscope for bad writing. Until now.

Below, courtesy of the North Florida News Daily’s Web site and its tragically regular “Gamer” section, is a lesson on how not to write a story about video games, or anything else for that matter. No joke, this the lede:

Parties! What a way to get all your friends together and hang out. However, what can you do? Well, I guess you could play pin the tail on the donkey. But, I don’t think that will impress anyone.

I dunno, I always thought the lede was your chance to tell a little story, to give the reader a taste of what’s to come in the form of an anecdote. But who knows? Maybe there’s room in the formula for just randomly yelling the first word that comes to mind. I won’t give the guy a hard time for the pin the tail on the donkey reference, because it gets much, much worse.

For starters, don’t suggest party games that aren’t out yet. You’re obviously writing to a crowd that hasn’t heard of any of this stuff — or it seems like it, at least — so I doubt they’re going to be marking their calendars, writhing in anticipation of Scene It! Box Office Smash and You’re In The Movies just because you said so. Also, lose that strange habit of repeating unimaginative sentences. Telling the reader that Super Smash Bros. “will keep you and your friends entertained,” and then saying the same thing, word for word, about Halo is like insisting over and over that “sandwiches are good.” Of course, this caliber of writing invites the usual gang of typos. Unique phrases such as “strait up brawls” and “With it’s different difficulty settings” come to mind.

None of those petty nitpicks, however, compare to the kicker. Oh dear God, the kicker:

“So you see Gamer’s [sic] have the tools to throw some kick rump parties,” David Worthington writes. “Now all we have to do is work on our social skills. Asking someone if they” — wait for it — “could get the loob [sic] for the rape that they just got online might not work in the social scene.”

Now, there is something undeniably hardc0rez about referencing the asshole online gamer contingent, but jeez, man. Inappropriate. Previously, I’ve written about how the Man on the Street is bringing all the gamers down. Is the Gamer in the Newsroom killing us, too?

Humour, Media, Rants, Teh Hardcorez | 1 Comment »

At this point, this series could use a re-introduction. As my journalism work (currently) does not require me to play and review the latest games in a timely manner, I’m often in catch-up mode, writing about a game weeks, months or even years after their release. In a way, this provides some distance from writing actual reviews and allows me to focus more on critiques. In Late To The Party, you’ll rarely find me listing pros and cons. Instead I’ll look at particular aspects of a game and explain why they’re interesting — to me at least.

Straight to the point, Ninja Gaiden II is a Gamer’s Game, and slashing through it made me realize how long it’s been since I last played one. It’s got action, decapitation, linear levels with steady learning curves, a throwaway plot, terrible dialogue, scary bosses and objectified women, I spend a lot of time thinking about how repetitive and dull that stuff gets, but I sort of forgot that, when applied correctly, it’s still a lot of fun.

Before I go on, please know that I hated this game’s prequel. I bought a used copy, spent an afternoon with it and brought it back to Gamestop to take advantage of their “exchange it within seven days” policy. Mostly, this was because of one pet peeve that obviously bothers no one else: Ninja Gaiden combined Saves and Lives — two standard respawn mechanisms that, when combined, break the whole system. It forces the player to leave his state of immersion and wonder “Should I quit the game and load the last save point, or sacrifice a precious Life?” This happened to me in the second level. I had no idea whether to keep expending Lives to challenge the boss or load an earlier save point and try to preserve my stock. After going back and forth a half dozen times, my brain self-destructed and I decided Splinter Cell would be a better choice for my money.

Needless to say, I was not expecting much when I opened the Gamefly envelope this time around. But Ninja Gaiden II has a way of coaxing you into its world. The bands of ninjas that surround you at every pass are easy enough at first; with enough button mashing, you can sever all of their heads (and most of their limbs) and emerging from battle with only a scratch or two. After a couple levels, the enemies get bigger, slimier, more plentiful. It’s no longer sufficient to simply tap the “Strong Attack” button repeatedly. Slowly, the game forces you to change your methods and play with different techniques. As with the last game, you’re still stringing together combos, but the attacks have a natural flow to them, which takes some of the emphasis off memorization — another pet peeve of mine.

Hand-eye coordination is placed on a pedestal in Ninja Gaiden II. There are no puzzles to solve, and the storyline — some people released some demons — is negligible. The payoff for surmounting each challenge is implicit; it’s not so much “now I get to see what happens,” as it is “wow, I defeated all those bad guys.”

I’m into Chapter 5 now, so we’ll see how my interest in the game evolves. These balls-to-the-wall action games, however fun, tend to wear on me slightly past the half way point. I know, that’s another subject entirely, so we’ll save it for another day. For now, chef recommends!

Xbox 360, Violence, Late to the Party, Teh Hardcorez | No Comments »

My visitor records on Google Analytics went defunct when I changed themes a few months back, so I have no idea how many people are checking out this blog, but I do know that comments are few and far between. If you’re out there, though, I’m asking you to put your reservations aside for a minute and help me out.

I’d really like to try a game that’s different, something outside my normal realm of video game experiences. Browsing the selection on Gamefly, all I can ferret out on my own is the usual stuff: Ninja Gaiden 2, Zelda: Phantom Hourglass and Dead Rising, because I’ve been meaning to play them, but I know all those games will be familiar to me, and somewhat less exciting as a result. I’m asking you to take me out of that comfort zone.

I’ll try a JRPG, a Sim, a strategy game, an educational title for grade-school children (if it’s interesting enough). I usually play shooters, jumpers, platformers, adventures, so I’d rather avoid that unless I really missed something. For now, let’s avoid sports titles.

Thanks! I hope to hear something besides the chirping of crickets.

Newman, Gamefly | 1 Comment »